Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish