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Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
RT if you could go either way.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
LOL
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!