former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Just a friendly reminder!
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created