FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.