Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.