Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

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[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!


texts from ur dentist:

1. Happy birthday! Make sure you sign up for your six month appointment

2. This is a reminder to schedule an appointment!

3. I miss us lol

4. Ur just gna ignore me? lol. I’ve been in ur mouth


The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken


Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’


My girlfriend’s ex won’t leave her alone.
I’d drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.


God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”


When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.


Mother Earth: Whose fault is this?

*tectonic plate brothers point at each other*


Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]