@NathanFillion

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

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@Megatronic13

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

@maybetomhanks

texts from ur dentist:

1. Happy birthday! Make sure you sign up for your six month appointment

2. This is a reminder to schedule an appointment!

3. I miss us lol

4. Ur just gna ignore me? lol. I’ve been in ur mouth

@coolauntV

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

@mack44_d

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

@phalguy

My girlfriend’s ex won’t leave her alone.
I’d drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.

@Elizasoul80

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

@thebeavs

When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.

@Mr_Kapowski

Mother Earth: Whose fault is this?

*tectonic plate brothers point at each other*

@NewDadNotes

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]