Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.