fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
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My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.