Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

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According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”


Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.


How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.


TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again


Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.


jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world


When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.


If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter


Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.


Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek