Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
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Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The Punning Dead.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.