I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
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Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I’d use my best pan on you.
The pen is writier than the sword.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?