Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
The Punning Dead.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*