Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

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The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything


[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]


I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on


Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.



– Tony the Tiger’s wife


My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.


HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*


Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”


Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.


me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]