@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

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@AbbieEvansXO

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

@Staggfilms

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

@GrantTanaka

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

@ojedge

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

@imteddybless

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

@DougExeter

she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini

@markleggett

ACTORS: It’s easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says “Did you see that?” say “Nope”.