[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini
ACTORS: It’s easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says “Did you see that?” say “Nope”.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.