@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

You Might Also Like

@Bob_Janke

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

@pleatedjeans

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

@0hJuliette

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

@sfreeze6

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

@gavinmind

“I’m LLLLLLLLLATE!”

– Tony the Tiger’s wife

@RodLacroix

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

@Book_Krazy

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

@Parkerlawyer

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

@CulturedRuffian

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

@Skoog

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]