Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
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Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night