They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
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Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.