Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

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There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.


The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.


My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like “hey thanks” and I’m like “I’m just happy to be a part of this nice community”


Coworker: Summer plans?
Me: Hell yeah. Rock shows galore
CW: Def Leppard, Guns N Roses?
Me: *thinks to amethysts and pyrite on brochure* Yea


When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.


Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me


June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok


*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag*

Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby.

Me: (to genie) take his fingers


HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*