Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I have never related to a cat more
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: Whatβs Tinder?
Me: Itβs a game site.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
π€¦π»ββοΈ
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Lmaooo she has seen it allπππππππππππ
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids donβt eat it
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, βare YOU Chinese?β
I replied, βno, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.β
Shut your racist asses up.
I have a divorce case where Iβm seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit