Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

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his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty


You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.


[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me


“open up, this is the police!”
“well, I’ve felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I’m sad all the time-”
“no the door open up the door”


Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened


My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…


Nothing says “I’m a shitty parent but at least I’m rich” like giving your 2 year old an iPad.


“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.