@NotKarma

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

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@DanMentos

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

@HatfieldAnne

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

@87bidi

[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me

@JohnLemongrab

“open up, this is the police!”
“well, I’ve felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I’m sad all the time-”
“no the door open up the door”

@RealChrisCal

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

@GoldenSpirals

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

@PuckingItUp

Nothing says “I’m a shitty parent but at least I’m rich” like giving your 2 year old an iPad.

@QwertyJones3

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.