@NotKarma

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

@Browtweaten

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

@weinerdog4life

Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.

@Mr_Kapowski

Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake

@GrantTanaka

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

@interwebmemes

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

@noog

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

@iwearaonesie

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

@AlanHungover

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…

@lanyardigan

If I ever get the chance to reveal a chupacabra to the world, I hope I have the presence of mind to say, “Chupacadabra!”