Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
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Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Breaking news:
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Lol.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.