@LorieGZ

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

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@FredTaming

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

@EyalAlony

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

@jordan_stratton

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

@Mr_Kapowski

GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane

@Bob_Janke

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

@FunnyIsFamily

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

@squirrel74wkgn

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

@ozzyunc

A dog once travelled 150 miles to attack the man who abandoned him at a gas station. I think I found my spirit animal.

@CheryeDavis

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

@jctwritesstuff

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas