Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
You Might Also Like
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy