Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
😏😏😏
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
translated into Canadian
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes