FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
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WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
and now we wait
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Does your wife know you’re single?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Hamburger Hinderer.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.