@ErinLea7

Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.

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@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.

@AngryRaccoon2

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

@Parkerlawyer

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

@citizenkawala

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@wittwitbarista

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.