Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.

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Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.


By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”


[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK


Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.


Nephew: Wouldn’t it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon?
Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We’re about to find out, kid.



Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool*

Dentist: So what do you do?

Equipment trolley 3ft away: I’m a ventriloquist


WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]


It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.