Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Not my job 😂
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
United Steaks of America
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Bobby pin
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.