Found $5 in my pocket.

I vow not to let my wealth change me.

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cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”

[jesus whistles innocently]


You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.


This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life


[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha


Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.


I’m always caught between a rock and someone I want to throw it at.


I am just looking for a man that will love on me and tell me I am pretty and not ask questions when I ask for help digging a body sized hole in the woods.


If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.


[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats