I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 馃檨
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Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off鈥FF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that鈥檚 important to you?
He didn鈥檛 seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Me: the refrigerator wasn鈥檛 built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Maybe it鈥檚 love, or maybe she just can鈥檛 unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
awesome draft from months ago i just found