cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
[jesus whistles innocently]
Found $5 in my pocket.
I vow not to let my wealth change me.
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You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I’m always caught between a rock and someone I want to throw it at.
I am just looking for a man that will love on me and tell me I am pretty and not ask questions when I ask for help digging a body sized hole in the woods.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats