Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
You Might Also Like
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog