I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
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ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Me too
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“What movie?” 🤔
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.