“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument