found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
much to think about
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50