Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

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*Things that won’t get done today.


Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*


“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”


[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”


As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them


Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.


I feel like I might kill someone today, and I’m starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.


We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”


I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.