@WilliamAder

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

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@phalguy

?dishes
?laundry
?vacuuming
?dusting
?me

*Things that won’t get done today.

@DesecratedJewel

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

@NolaChef504

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

@david8hughes

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

@Playing_Dad

As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@AimeeHelene1

I feel like I might kill someone today, and I’m starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.

@RowdyBowden

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

@SethMacFarlane

I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.