Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
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(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you