Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Breaking news:
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?