@Stellacopter

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

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@Whatevah_Amy

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

@FurnessGirl

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

@roxiqt

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

@UnFitz

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

@KeetPotato

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

@ohen39

[birthday party]
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
kid: okay
me: alright, now blow it out

@TheCatWhisprer

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

@Bob_Janke

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

@JB4Realz

SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from?

DAD: Well, son…when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.

@FU_TangClan

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod