Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
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Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
me: alright, now blow it out
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from?
DAD: Well, son…when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
pilot: yes I do