I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
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Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!