Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.