Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
#SCOTUS one-star review
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?