People who write hai and bai, wai?
Found an eyelash on my pizza.
Wished for more pizza.
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Boss: Why are you late?
Me: Why are you so obsessed with me?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.