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@delmolition: Found an eyelash on my pizza.
Wished for more pizza.
@occupied_stall: I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
@tastefactory: EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says "Here lies updog"
EXPLORER 2: What's updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
@ThisOneSayz: "Maybe she's born with it, but most likely she botched it at home" should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
@mrtruthandsoul: [3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what's wrong?
5yo: I'm lonely...
Me: Then, don't ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Afraid to fly? It's perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov't employees forced to work the holidays.