@delmolition

Found an eyelash on my pizza.

Wished for more pizza.

You Might Also Like

@5hael

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

@SharkJelly

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

@roxiqt

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

@truegritrumble

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

@saramvalentine

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

@thongbeard

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

@NewDadNotes

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.