@delmolition

Found an eyelash on my pizza.

Wished for more pizza.

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@carlyken

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

@rustygunter

If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!

@stevevsninjas

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

@DranoRaul

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

@JoParkerBear

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

@FeverFlave

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

@Adam14

A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.

@ScottLinnen

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

@JustMeTurtle

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

@AKcrazy18

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.