Found an eyelash on my pizza.

Wished for more pizza.

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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool


If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!


Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.


I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.


*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them


Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry


A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.


Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide


If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.


Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.