“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
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massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Planet of the Apps.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!