Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
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If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
A wise man once said nothing.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on