Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp