Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
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As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Probably my best painting.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography