It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.