My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
You Might Also Like
Which wines pair best with gloating?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
#Thanos #MondayMood
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.