@HillaryClinton

Found in the archives…

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@Smooheed

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

@poutinesmoothie

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

@MarkAgee

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what did you learn from your previous job?

Me: that I need a new job

@sa_mohn

In school it be like 2+2=4. Homework: 2×8+3=19. Then the test: Juan has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the suns mass. Wtf

@notfaizzy

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

@Sassafrantz

Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…

Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.

Gynecologist: Um, your legs

@DaddyJew

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

@envydatropic

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

@allyneedy

Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet