@bad_as_you_want

Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it…after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course

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@huntigula

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

@Jamberee13

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

@dumbbeezie

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

@curlycomedy

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

@RhinoUR

I’m Godzilla’s gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*

@jamdugg

Her: We should do something fun for our 15th anniversary

Me: I want to jump out of a plane

Her: Go skydiving?

Me: No

@Awk0Tacoo

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

@Amburglar_

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

@touchmybobby

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what you gonna do

@Lerky

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.