Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it…after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course

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*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*


It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display


Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings


Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.


I’m Godzilla’s gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*


Her: We should do something fun for our 15th anniversary

Me: I want to jump out of a plane

Her: Go skydiving?

Me: No


I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.


If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.


as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what you gonna do


Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.