Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
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Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
A choir of Spring onions
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win