Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]