Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
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[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Bootstraps
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.