Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

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Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.


Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’


Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.


I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.


*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.


Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”


Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.


It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.