Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
For my next trick, I will try not to kill my volunteer.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”
The Porsche is now mine, right?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
me: stop it
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts