@sarahkendzior

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

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@Aspersioncast

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

@JohnFugelsang

Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’

@baronvonbike

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

@FattMernandez

I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.

@BoogTweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

@crayolaawonderr

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

@iRowlf

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.