If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
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HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.