Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs