Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
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Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
OMG 🤣🤣
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.