Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
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[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk