Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
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Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Day 2 of my diet
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.