@Roxtalled

Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.

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@_squiggz

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

@thevickster_sa

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

@hipchkk

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

@TheToddWilliams

[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear

@mommajessiec

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

@DanMentos

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

@Home_Halfway

RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately

DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?

RACCOON: Yes

DOCTOR: What have you been eating?

RACCOON: Garbage

DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things