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Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: