Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.

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Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.


Considering the yr Jesus is said to have been born, I question those who give him the wheel or make him their copilot.


My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.


Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*


me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”


If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors


I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.


Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing


When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.


I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.