@_steamy_mac

Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.

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@juliussharpe

Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.

@stonedcoldlazy

Considering the yr Jesus is said to have been born, I question those who give him the wheel or make him their copilot.

@Cheeseboy22

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

@SardonicTart

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

@KeetPotato

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

@SergioValenCo

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

@CruisinSoozan

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

@InternetHippo

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

@psybermonkey

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

@Vodkantots

I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.