Me: bless me father for I have sinned.
Priest: how long since your last confession my son?
Me: about 45 minutes ago…
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
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My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body