Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
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Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*