@AngieMaxwell1

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

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@ItsMrWoody2U

Me: bless me father for I have sinned.

Priest: how long since your last confession my son?

Me: about 45 minutes ago…

@dshack8

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

@SamanthaaaReece

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

@RunwayDan

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

@mugkip

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

@Contwixt

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

@sophied40

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

@peanusts

elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body