Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
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If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too