found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

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Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.


Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.


Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?


Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.


[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time


I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said…

“Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they’re going to die.”


Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.