found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
You Might Also Like
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Children of the corn 🌽
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.