Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
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-No, I’m an album.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
i just injected myself with bleach, now we wa
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said…
“Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they’re going to die.”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.