7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes