@TVsCarlKinsella

FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous.
SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.

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@gwatts77

Facebook people don’t like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.

@_davidlucas_

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

@bobvulfov

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

@terrycjt

Why didn’t Spider-Man’s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?

@DanLaMorte

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

@Browtweaten

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

@causticbob

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

@Sickayduh

“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”

@FatherWithTwins

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

@junejuly12

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.